While there is no one perfect way to respond or to support someone you care about, here are some good ground rules.
Remember that grief belongs to the griever. You have a supporting role, not the central role, in your friend’s grief. This may seem like a strange thing to say, but many of the suggestions, advice and “help” given to the griever tells them they should be doing this differently, or feeling differently than they do. Grief is a very personal experience, and belongs entirely to the person experiencing it. This grief belongs to your friend: follow his or her lead.
Stay present and state the truth. It’s tempting to make statements about the past or the future when your friend’s present life holds so much pain. You cannot know what the future will be, for yourself or your friend. That your friend’s life was good in the past does not mean it will be going forward. Stay present with your friend, even when the present is full of pain. Also, you cannot know that your friend’s loved one “finished their work here,” or that they are in a “better place.” Stick with the truth: this hurts. I love you. I’m here.
Do not try to fix the unfixable. Your friend’s loss cannot be fixed or repaired or solved. The pain itself cannot be made better.
This is not about you. Being with someone in pain is not easy. You will have things come up — stresses, questions, anger, fear, guilt. Your feelings will likely be hurt. You may feel ignored and unappreciated. Your friend cannot show up for their part of the relationship very well. Don’t take it personally, and don’t take it out on them. Find your own people to lean on at this time — it’s important that you be supported while you support your friend.
Anticipate, don’t ask. Do not say “Call me if you need anything.” Your friend will not call. Not because they do not need, but because identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need, and then making a phone call to ask is beyond their energy levels, capacity or interest. Instead, make concrete offers: “I will be there at 4 p.m. on Thursday to bring your recycling to the curb,” or “I will stop by each morning on my way to work and give the dog a quick walk.” Be reliable.
Do the recurring things. The actual, heavy, real work of grieving is not something you can do, but you can lessen the burden of “normal” life requirements for your friend. Are there recurring tasks or chores that you might do? Things like walking the dog, refilling prescriptions, shoveling snow and bringing in the mail are all good choices. Support your friend in small, ordinary (wondrous) ways.
Be cautious. That empty soda bottle beside the couch may look like trash, but may have been left there by their husband just the other day. The dirty laundry may be the last thing that smells like her. Tiny little normal things become precious. Ask first.
Tackle projects together. Depending on the circumstance, there may be difficult tasks that need tending — things like casket shopping, mortuary visits, the packing and sorting of rooms or houses. Offer your assistance and follow through with your offers.
Run interference. To the new griever, the influx of people who want to show their support can be seriously overwhelming. What is an intensely personal and private time can begin to feel like living in a fish bowl. There might be ways you can shield and shelter your friend by setting yourself up as the designated point person — the one who relays information to the outside world, or organizes well-wishers.
Educate and advocate. You may find that other friends, family members and casual acquaintances ask for information about your friend. You can, in this capacity, be a great educator, albeit subtly. You can normalize grief with responses like, “She has better moments and worse moments and will for quite some time. An intense loss changes every detail of your life.”
Love. Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.
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