Can there be a deeper grief than losing the one to whom you have pledged, ‘Till death do us part?’ It is hard to imagine. Yet here it is. Your spouse has died. It is frightening, overwhelming, already lonely… You have lost a part of yourself and nothing seems to make sense anymore.
 
            Your grief is unique. No one has had the same relationship with your spouse that you have had. The memories and experiences belong only to the two of you and now, to only you. Don’t try to grieve as you have seen others grieve. Take one-day-at-a-time. Allow your grief to work itself out in its own way. Don’t let the experience of others dictate how you heal or feel.
 
            Talking helps. Allow yourself to talk about the circumstances of your spouse’s death. Talk about your feelings of loss and loneliness and your  memories - things you did together - the good times. All of that helps. Talk about any anger you might feel or regrets or fear. Some of your listeners may try to minimize some of these, but express them anyway and understand the awkwardness others might feel. Reassure them that talking helps you.
 
            Whatever you do, don’t ignore your grief. Shed tears if they come. Share feelings. Accept words of sympathy. Don’t be surprised, in the days ahead (weeks, months, years), if sudden bouts of grief overtake you. Someone will remind you of your spouse or you’ll see something that triggers a memory and the pain will come roaring back. These ‘grief attacks’ can be frightening because they come so unexpectedly, but they are natural. You are continuing to heal.
 
            Find a support system. There are grief groups at every hospital or hospice. But even if you aren’t interested in being in a formal group, friends and family should be used for understanding and as sounding boards. Allow them to walk with you in your journey through grief. And who knows, as you walk with them they may be walking with you to manage their own grief.
 
            Not everyone has the ability to ‘understand.’ For the time being, avoid those people. You can identify them by some of their ‘advice.’ They will say things like, “Time heals all wounds,” or “You’ll get over it,” or “Keep your chin up.” While
well intentioned, you don’t have to hear those things right now. Be around people who encourage you and acknowledge your feelings of loss.
 
            Take care of yourself. Often fatigue comes with grief. Sometimes confusion or an inability to make decisions is present. This is normal. Get some rest. It isn’t hurting anything to leave your spouse’s clothing and belongings where they are for a while. There is no immediacy required.
 
            Treasure your memories. Pull out your photo albums and cry and laugh and remember the joy of living and doing with the one you loved. Play some favorite music, watch a favorite movie. Embrace the life you had. Even in the realization that a new life looms ahead, those memories will forever be present and will give hope for a brighter tomorrow.
 
            If faith is a part of your life, embrace it now. Express it in whatever way seems appropriate. Be around people who share your religious beliefs and will understand your loss. Your faith can be your strongest tool for healing. Some religious people may suggest that “with faith you don’t need to grieve.” That if foolish and naïve. Faith strengthens you in your grief and promotes healing, but the work of grief must still go on. Talk to your pastor or priest or rabbi. He or she will be of great help and their prayers will help immeasurably.
 
            Grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. It will take time. Healing will come.  

I always want to tell young people that life goes by quicker than they can imagine. In fact, I HAVE told numerous of the younger set that. But I know it falls on deaf ears. You have to have forty or fifty years under your belt before you realize how true it is. And, I suppose, the message behind those words is as obscure and meaningless as the words to young ears.
 
The message is that they should enjoy life; that they should do all that they do at full throttle; that they should do good, be good, take risks, laugh… make a difference in the world as soon as they can, because it all ends too quickly.
 
I like to think that, if I were young and could do it all over, I’d listen to those words, and live life a bit differently. I don’t think it would show so much on the outside (or maybe it would), but I would have liked to have lived life with more passion. I would have liked to have lived life where I ‘stopped to smell the roses’ more often and where I jumped off a bridge with a bungee cord tether, where I helped with disaster relief and gave lots of money to the needy and wrote regular letters to the editor and to my congressmen/women. I would have liked to have spoken, from the pulpit (I’ve spent my life as a minister), words of social justice and outspokenly opposed the wrong and the ugly and the liars of the world – not just sin, as ministers are supposed to do, but wrong in terms of human rights and dignity and civility and kindness. I would have liked to weep more over war and all those men and women who died on both sides and talk with strangers in hospice.
 
But there isn’t time. There isn’t energy. There isn’t wisdom enough when we are young enough. We do our best, along the way, to be the people we need to be and, perhaps, that is all we are supposed to be. But it somehow falls short. When someone contacts The Eulogy Writers to have my story told when I die, I hope they are able to list lots of things I’ve done. To me, that list seems way too short. But I suppose it is still better than the life story in the picture above: “I was born. I blinked. I died.” We have to make the most of that ‘blink.’

Listening to the news every morning is no way to start the day. It’s seldom good. The President says or does something scary or something no president should say or do… congress isn’t much better. Whatever the other party is in favor of they are vehemently opposed to – whatever gets them re-elected is a higher priority than serving the best interests of the country. Even the weather person brings news of disaster half the time. So I’ve decided to subscribe to one of those joke-a-day email lists. Every morning I awake to something that is funny (or at least worthy of a smile). When I die, I hope they will say, at my funeral (in my eulogy or memorial speech, of course), that he had a good laugh to start each day. I’d like to share one that I received a few days ago that I liked. It’s one of those "Ever Wonder..." lists.
DID YOU EVER WONDER:

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?    
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

- Why you don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

- Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

- Why it is that doctors call what they do "practice"?

- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

- Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid with real lemons?

- Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

- Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called ‘rush hour’?

- Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

- Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

- Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

- Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains like your wool sweater does?

- Why are they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
And now back to the morning news:

- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Hmmm... Smile.